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Samantha Jo
Lots of shit.
Im so stressed out, and tired. :(

This semester is NOT going as well as I wanted it to.
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So I haven't written this in a REALLY long time. So I'll write something!

I'm happy with life right now. I found myself.
I have 3 of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
We are living together in a house next year.
My little sister is a full sister now, and I want to be a mom this semester.

I learned an entire concerto last semester, which made Dr. Murray happy to say the least. That never happens. We get along now.

This semester I have a few things on my plate, but I am looking forward to the challenge. It's gotten off to a rough start, but I think once it gets going...it's going to get going fast.

[A is for age:]
19

[B is for best friend:]
Erica

[C is for crush:]
Hum...surprisingly for me... I have 2.

[D is for favorite drink:]
anything.

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Laptop, iPod, Lip Gloss, showers, the fab 4.

[F is for favorite song at the moment:]
anything Regina Spektor

[G is for favorite game:]
um...Apples to Apples.

[H is for hometown:]
Kansas City.

[I is for instruments you can play:]
cello, piano(kind of, Violin (if you are def..)

[J is for favorite juice?:]
jungle(hahahaha me too)(me tree...)

[K is for kids?]
Who knows. Maybe none. If I have them, I want 2.

[L is for last real kiss:]
that would be a big fat never.

[M is for marriage:]
I want to, but I don't plan on it. That area of my life hasn't worked out that great yet.t

[N is for # of siblings:]
1. Jonathan. He is 5.5 years younger than me and we have nothing in common.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
none...

[P is for phobias:]
being alone for the rest of my life.

[Q is for quote:]
I have so many. But one of my favorites is from Garden State when Sam says: "If you can't laugh at yourself, life's going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like."

[R is for biggest regret:]
Not trying hard enough.

[S is for self confidence:]
depends on my mood.

[T is for time you wake up:]
as late as possible

[U is for underwear:]
I wear cute ones.

[V is for vegetable you love:]
all!!!

[W is for worst habit:]
Procrastination

[X is for x-rays you've had]
zero!!

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
lots of stuff. :)

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
cancer.

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Last night, I stayed up until 5 AM sitting in the grass smoking cigarettes with someone I love, and someone I can see myself loving in the year to come.
And surprisingly: the late night and cigarettes were the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time. I get so caught up in my life, and what I think about it that I don't take time to realize what others think. It was so refreshing for my soul.
I feel like I'm part of something amazing in this world. I feel like I am someone special to everyone that I know. I feel like people love me. And for me that is such a great accomplishment, you don't even understand. I have spent so long in my life wanting to feel like I just fit somewhere. Now that I do, it feels like it really fits. It makes me not want to leave. It makes me want to grow up. It makes me want to be willing and open to love and new experiences, and just fucking life. And I am so thankful for that.
You have no idea how refreshing just hanging out with people can be.

And I would like to say, that I think this is the first 100% platonic 100% healthy relationship I have ever had with someone of the opposite sex.

It's kind of amazing. To be able to talk to a guy without getting the feeling that there is something more between you.
I dunno.

More on this as the days roll by.

In other news, I'm a big sister. :)
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Everyone has always told me that I have a hankering for writing things. I had a good idea today and I ran with it. Read this: check it out. If it is something you would want to read more of... I think I would like to write a novella. Enjoy!!


___________________________________

Up until this point in my short existence, I have been merely observing life. Life: not in the, “I breathe in oxygen and have blood and a pulse” sort of definition, no -- more of the: “Doing things I might regret but don’t, spending money I don’t have, falling in love” type of way. Existence vs. verve: a hostile conundrum with very few pins and needles to separate the seams from the loose ends. Existence vs. verve - The being vs. the wanting to be. It seems as though it would be easier to separate the two, does it not?

“We are all cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.” This and this alone is the wisdom I wish to obtain. It is mostly in part because I, I myself am a cup. And indeed, I myself do not know how to tip myself over and let the beautiful stuff out. In far fewer words- I do not know… how to just…Let Go.

Let Go. Release my grip from the handles, allow my feet to dangle over the edges, and just – ride. Life vs. Living. Existence vs. Verve – the Living vs. the Wanting to live. Letting go, riding the Ride, and living the Life.

And when you get off that ride, if you have let go – if you have TRULY let go – you will see it. All of the pieces of that beautiful ambiguity gracefully and passionately falling into place.


It didn’t begin as easily as it started.
This to an unsuspecting ear may sound as though I contradict myself. But for those of us who were brave enough to make the journey we know – It did not begin as easily as it started. I think that any task worth accomplishing is best started, maintained, and concluded with grace. So that is with what, and whom I will begin.

Grace was the only person in my life I didn’t have to address with a formality. Everyone else had been Mom, Dad, Dr., Mrs., Mr. -- Grace wasn’t like that. She was simple, and I liked that about her. She was Grace. On the inside and outside. She didn’t need anyone to tell her who she was and what she wanted, and she certainly didn’t need anyone addressing her as, “Miss”. In fact, one utterance of “Miss” or even worse, “Ma’am” in the presence of Grace was sure to inspire a hell fire round of, “Do I honestly look like a Ma’am to you?!”

In a world that seemed too sterile to exist inside of, Grace was the mark on the wall that made the sterility almost…ironic. Like when you walk into a completely white room with the perfect white leather couch and freshly painted fire place, only to let your eye lay upon a scuff mark on the marble; black and obviously in a strange rebellion against the color scheme of its life. Grace, however unlike the owner of this house, would covet the scuff mark and embrace it as a welcoming gift. To her, the scuff mark could never be seen as an embarrassing intrusion of life, but as a gift of hilarity in a situation where some might say it is inappropriate to laugh.
“You just gotta laugh Lu Lu. There ain’t nothin’ to it. If you laugh, so will everyone else, and that’s the only thing you need in this life. Laughter. Sure you may need a sip of water here and there, but if you’re laughin’ you’re livin’!”

There was something about her words that made me feel safe. If we were both crabs, she was the home I couldn’t make for myself; she had the shell that I wanted, but was too small to fit into. Everything about Grace made me want to be just like her. She was gorgeous, but in a one-hundred-percent unconventional way. Grace was beautiful in a way that only those closest to her could see. She wasn’t abnormally short or tall, loud or soft, dark or pale. She was… in general very average. She had bright green eyes and perfect, wavy, chestnut hair that fell completely down to the small of her back. She was adorned in hundreds of beautiful olive freckles, and Grace wouldn’t have traded them in for a hundred dollars.
“This is me Lu Lu. This is how I know I’ve lived. This is how other people know I’ve lived. These freckles are a book, Lu Lu, and I want everyone to read them.”

Grace always called me Lu Lu because she said it gave me spirit. Sprit like what, I don’t know, but some kind of something. No one had ever called me Lu Lu before Grace. My mother had always been in love with my name, so she when she found out she was going to have a girl, she couldn’t resist the urge to give me the infernal name Laudi. Laudi. Laudi…. It rolls of the tongue like a piece of fruit you have been dying to eat for days only to discover its rotted inside; strangely pungent, and wildly disheartening and unsatisfying.

“You need some kind of heart kid. You ain’t got no life left in ya, and you ain’t even tryin’ to die! You need a soul. Some kind of Soul. I don’t know where you buy souls, but if I did I’d whip you one right of the shelf!”
I could feel the comfort of her voice swimming around my ear canals like lost fish. Please find my heart… please, just find it. I couldn’t bear it if I ever lost her. Not in myself: PLEASE GOD, not in myself. Of all of the places Grace could be lost, don’t make it in me. Never in me.

She was right though; I did need a soul. I hadn't had one all the years I had been alive. I sat, and observed the outside world. I observed the things I wished would happen to me. It came so naturally to Grace. She was always so open and ready. For anything. For life. For the ride. For the FUCKING ride! And I couldn't be like her. And it broke my heart. It still breaks my heart. Grace gave me a gift that no one else could have touched. She gave me a name that gave me a spirit.

When I found out what happened I felt as though I had died. I felt like part of me had gone missing -- I could feel it before I knew what was happening. It was a taste in my mouth that made me want to throw up. I knew it as soon as I saw it. I knew it. But I couldn't even believe what I knew I was going to have to. Grace had a way of living that gave life the verve. The wanting to live. But she also gave it a bad taste in it's own mouth. The one that makes life want to throw up.

When she died, she hadn't eaten in weeks. And who knew? Happy Grace. Crazy full of life, covered in freckles, full of spirit Grace. Hadn't eaten in weeks. I guess what they say is true: even the widest smile could be that which is to cover a frown.

So for Grace, for the verve, for the freckles: I am Lu Lu. I am quiet and observing, and wondering, but I have a spirit. It's Grace's spirit, not my own, but it's a spirit. And I guess Grace found out where you could buy one.
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dear god
please let me die
amen




i would rather be anything that what i am right now.
i would rather be a particle of dust.
i would rather be a fucking invisible force.
i would rather not exist at all
than be what i fucking am now.




i want nothing more than to be nothing like you at all.




have mercy on me, o lord, for i am weak;
oh lord, heal me, for my bones are tired.
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I don't know what to do anymore.
I used to know what I wanted.
I used to want you.
And now that I can have you....
It's all to confusing.

What should I do?

Take it, or leave it?

I wont be 19 forever.



Why does everyone else seem so much cooler than me?

Current Mood: envious envious

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Okay! As promised... the tattoo.
Enjoy.


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I am avec tattoo now. :)
Pictures to follow.

It's so gorgeous!!

Current Mood: groggy groggy

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Watching Fahrenheit 9/11 has re-confirmed in me every single belief I have in this world.

It also made me HATE being an American. It made me HATE everything America stands for. It made me HATE America for letting W. Bush ruin our Country for 4 years, and then deciding to let him ruin it for 4 more.

You can't spread freedom with opression.

It's not your JOB to spread your idea of freedom everywhere.
It's your job to protect this country! To provide for the welfare of the people who live HERE.
It's not your JOB to fix every country in the fucking world. It's your JOB to fix this country, right here.
You want this world to be better? Why don't you start fixing the country you live in. Don't be a super hero Bush. (You aren't cut out for it.)

Why are other countries more important than the one you were elected (however faulty)to protect!!!

Don't waste our money, and our lives, and risk our freedom to put money in your pocket!!

You want to enforce freedom? You want to rid of oppressive rulers?

Impeach your fucking self George W. Bush.

Gas is going to go up to $3.11 here in KC in the next week or so.

And to that I say... dutifully: FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!

I'm all for taxes, and I'm all for giving money to the government. But for the RIGHT fucking reasons. To give people HERE food. To give people HERE jobs. To give people HERE rights.

But I am NOT for spending $50 to fill up my car with fossil fuels that ruins our environment, our ecosystem, and my bank account so that you all all of your buddies in D.C. can keep all that money in your pockets.

Want to do something right? Why don't you support alternative fuel sources? Why don't you revise your "masterful" plan of social security? Why don't you support health care?

Oh that's right. You're too busy deciding if gay people can legally claim their love for each other, and enjoy the SIMPLE rights you enjoy and take for granted every day. And you're busy deciding if I should be allowed to show my disrespect for you by burning a flag. (Which by the way Bushie, no one would burn if you knew how to run a fucking country.) And the Piece du Resistance.... you're too busy deciding what I can do with MY OWN BODY!!!!


I hate you, and I hate what you have done to this country that I USED to be proud to call my home.

No longer Bush. I have lost my faith in the American people to select a leader.

This country was in the hands of a Democrat before you. And I HOPE-to- GOD this country is in the hands of a Democrat LONG after you.

Clinton may have been unfaithful to his wife. But you have been unfaithful to an entire country.

And for that, I will NEVER forgive you.

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Current Mood: enraged enraged

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I wish for one fucking day I could have a normal life.
With a family who loves me and wants me to succeed.

I wish I could have a family that didn't care more about freaking money and working 24/7 at their gay ass jobs than they did about their kids.

I don't understand how two people who, together, make almost $200,000 a year can't help me with my education!!!!!!!

FASFA says you can give me $60 grand a fucking year! WHY CAN'T YOU EVEN GIVE ME LIKE $20 WITHOUT ACTING LIKE YOU BROKE THE FUCKING BANK?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

I have not had more than 3 consecutive days off from school or working for almost 2 years! I don't think it's such a bad thing to want a fucking summer vacation, or do something I fucking want to in the summer.

I don't want to work at Cerner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guess what?!?!??! I COULDN'T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT MEDICAL IT. I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU FUCKING DO THERE.

But every summer, I waste away there. You wanna know why?
Because my parents who make almost twice as much as a normal income family are too fucking "broke" to help me with my education!!

I go to a shitty fucking school because, "it's cheaper."

I DON'T FUCKING CARE THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE FUCKING POINT IS THAT IM NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!!

WHY IS MONEY ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN BEING HAPPY!!!

WHY DOES MONEY MATTER AT ALL?!?!?!?!?!?!

I FUCKING HATE IT! AND I HATE YOU!!!!

I could never be like you.

You waste all of your money on your new cars, and eating out every single day, and shit we don't need.
Jonathan has so many clothes and shoes.... he fucking LIVES in a lucky store.
But .......$150 a pop pair of jeans..... man we must be fucking poor!!!!

At that rate: I wonder where your money goes?????

Or maybe its the TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS my father spends every fucking year on cigarettes, Mt. Dew, and lottery tickets alone.

IN ALL OF THE MONEY THAT YOU HAVE SPENT ON THOSE 3 THINGS ALONE YOU COULD HAVE WON YOUR OWN FUCKING LOTTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just wish it weren't my family.
It's not fair.

I'm sorry I have higher values than money.
I'm sorry I want good things for myself.
I'm sorry I would rather spend time with people I care about instead of in an office couped up doing shit I don't even fucking care about.

I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKED UP GAY ASS JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you would support me for once, and care about my success, instead of worrying how much it will fucking cost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: pissed off pissed off

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